Ask the Imam (6-18-05) Updated Periodically

Muslims live in fear of offending Allah (Gag), the one true god. Offending Allah (Gag) will send a Muslim to hell, and the Koran has many suras [passages] on the nature of hell. The descriptions are very graphic and in fact they'd be rated "R" in this country. No wonder they're afraid of Hell!

So why do they ask their Imam what to do? If it's in the Koran, the Imam can make an interpretation on whether it's allowed or not. If it's not in the Koran it's ok! The big problem is what's in the Koran? Well, guess what? Your local Imam knows what pleases Allah (Gag) and can steer you on the righteous path, just ask him, he knows what god wants and what pisses him off.

After you've read a few of the questions asked, you'll see why many people, including me, call Muslims AllahBots (One who hears, reads, and acts without critical thought).

Check it out and see why we call Muslims AllahBots!
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Q Since we're not allowed to make images of humans and animals, should children be allowed to play with toys in the shape of humans or animals?. (Hm....)

A With regard to those in which the shape is incomplete, in which there is only a part of the limbs or head, but the shape is not clear, there is no doubt that these are permissible, and these are like the dolls with which ‘Aa’ishah used to play.
But if the shape is complete, and it is as if you are looking at a person – especially if it can move or speak – then I am not entirely at ease with the idea of them being permissible, because this is a complete imitation of the creation of Allaah. It seems that the dolls with which ‘Aa’ishah used to play were not like this, so it is preferable to avoid them. But I cannot say that they are definitely haraam, because there are concessions granted to young children that are not granted to adults in such matters. It is natural for young children to play and have fun, they are not obliged to do any of the acts of worship so we cannot say that that they are wasting their time in idle play. But if a person wants to be on the safe side in such matters, he should cut off the head or hold it near the fire until it softens, then he should press it until the features disappear. (Any wonder why Muslims are called Allabots ?)


Q Is it permissible to accept an invitation to a meal from a non-Muslim in order to get close to him?
A Relationships between people are of different kinds. If the Muslim has a relationship of friendship, love and brotherhood with a kaafir, this is haraam (forbidden) and may be kufr (to show ungratefulness to Allah and not to believe in Him and His religion). Remember kafirs are najis.

Q My father was in fluenced by doll hindu magic because of it he got heart attack ,i heard that hindu magic cannot be treated with quran ayaths is it true ?
A Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, 'Allah did not send any sickness but fot it is a cure as well.' (Bukhari). We advise your father refer to an Aamil (person dealing in black magic, etc.) The Aamil will apply his knowledge and expertise in attending to your father. This guy needs a rubber room

Q How many hours should a muslim sleep?
A Shari’ah does not stipulate or recommend any specific number of hours for sleep. The purpose of sleep is to rest and regain one’s energy. That differs from person to person. Talk about Allabot!

Q My friend claims to see jinn (Satan), he also claims that a jinn is troubling him at present.How can i help him?
A Your friend should refer to an Aamil (an expert in treating black magic, etc.) You may assist your friend in identifying a good Aamil. Another candidate for the rubber room

Q My Doctors say the only solution for me is pain killers. Is there any recommeded dua for pain in the leg or knee.
A Place your hand upon the place where the pain is and recite the above Du'aa. Do it a few times throughout the day. Continue to do this until the pain goes away. Also make intention that sickness and cure is from the side of Allah Ta'ala, and have firm conviction that this is a prescription taught to us by Nabi (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) which will be effective. How about a couple of asprin?

Q is chewing of chicken bones prohibited in islam?
A It is permissible to eat bones of all Halaal animals. Whether they are healthy or not, is a totally separate issue. Never eaten a chicken bone, have you?

Q One time contact with female staff for fitness club membership (Female trainer takes resting heart beat count)
A There is absolutely no need for you to join a club for physical fitness. You (a male) can train at home on your own. Where do I sign up?

Q Remedies from the Holy Qur'aan
A The Qur’aan is a cure for mankind. On grounds of experience, Ulama have recommended certain verses of the Qur’aan for certain ailments. Many of these remedies have been tried and tested successfully over the years. If any of these Qur’aanic remedies fail to work, it does not mean that the remedy is deficient. The degree of sincerity and confidence of the person employing the remedy plays a major role in the success of the remedy. Sometimes, it wouldn’t work because Allah Ta’ala has decreed otherwise. Talk about snake oil!

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From Sistani.org

Question: What is the Islamic viewpoint on adoption?
Answer: There is no objection in adoption, but he/she is stranger and is not one's real child. (Duhh)

Question: Is anal intercourse permissible.?
Answer: Permission is bound to wife’s agreement, but it is strongly undesirable. (But it's ok)

Question: What is the definition of Zina [Fornication]?
Answer: Zina does not take place without penetration. (Hmm…Where have I heard that before? Is Clinton a Muslim in drag? )

Question: Is it permissible to keep a dog? If not why please explain?
Answer: It is permissible, but it is Najis [Najis - Filthy]. (You should see what he says about sex with chickens! - I'm serious folks!)

Question: Is it permissible to get a bank loan, although I have searched everywhere including members of my umma for financial assistance and although they charge interest?
Answer: With Condition of paying interest is not permissible.

Question: If we deposit some amount in the bank and they offer some proffit to us can we get it or not. I want to ask if it is halal or haram ?
Answer: You can take the interest and own half of it and give the other half to a poor Muslim. (I'm poor! Hey! Over here!)

Question: I also have savings account with my company and company also gives interest on the saving annually. Is it Haram and should we decline interest or accept it?
Answer: That is halal [Allowed]. {Since, you are living in the West, it is halal to take the interest in the both cases.} (Damn! I'll take it!)

Question: I get Interest on my account in the bank. So what should I do while living in the west ?
Answer: That is halal [Allowed]. (It's ok to take from the kafir, but no ok in Muslim Lands [Dar al Islam] )

Question: Please could you let me know if a plastic surgery is permissible in Islam?
Answer: It is permissible (Had me worried there)

Question: While taking bath, it’s said that one should not keep head under shower for more than one minute, is it true?
Answer: It’s not in order. (hmm…is that because Allah (Gag) can't get thru the falling water? Now that has possabilites.)

Question: I want to ask about talking to ones fiancee on telephone, is it permissible or not?
Answer: If talking is free of provocative words and if there is no fear of falling in sin, there is no objection. (What? No phone sex? Damn!)

Question: Is there any restriction to wear pant having a long bottom, so that it come under our feet?
Answer: Feet should be covered and trousers should not instigate strangers. (How about sox? That ok? No, No, not sex, sox!)

Question: Is it allowed to do cheating in the exams of boards of the government or in the exams of university of the government?
Answer: Cheating is not permissible. (Why does this jerk even have to ask?)

Question: Is playing a chess allowed?
Answer: It is absolutely unlawful (Watch out for the chess police!)

Question: Chess is Halal or Haram?
Answer: Chess is absolutely forbidden. (Guess that settles that!)

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5-2-05

Question:If a person has a lot of doubts in Wudu’, prayer, Ghusl etc. what should he do?
Answer:He should not pay heed to his doubt and keep on considering it as valid (Sahih). (Maybe he ought to think for himself)

Question:Is having an orgy permissible under the Qur’an?
Answer:It's forbidden. (I knew there was a reason I didn't like Islam!)

Question:What is your idea about marshmallow and gelatin?
Answer:If it is known that it comes from animals, the use is not allowed unless one knows the animal has been slaughtered according to Islam. (I'll check the package and see what it says)

Question:Our hen have drunk water from circles where drinks water the dog. May I eat meat and egg of this bird? Is it haram or not?
Answer:It's permissible. (Good, 'cause I love fried chicken!)

Question:Is it allowed to eat at a restaurant its staff are of different religions?
Answer:It is permissible as long as you do not know a non-Kitabi Kafar touches it with an epidemic wet. (So you better tell the kafir not to touch your food Abdul)

Question:Is mushroom a Halal vegetable?
Answer:Eating it is permissible. (What a relief that is!)

Question:Is it allowed to eat at McDonald restaurant?
Answer:You are allowed to eat those meals which do not contain meat. And you can eat meat also, if the seller is a Muslim and that the seller has made sure that the meat belonged to an animal that had been slaughtered according to Islamic conditions. (I'll ask Ronand McDonald, he'll know!)

Question:Can a Muslim eat food in a hotel owned by a non-Muslim?
Answer:He can eat meals, which do not contain meat. (I'd prefer he ate elsewhere)

Question:I would kindly ask Ayatullah (Sayed Sistani) about drinking tea or milk in INDIA ( is it halal or haram ) since thses are subject to boiling.
Answer:There is no objection in it. (No shit?)

Question:I wanted to know about friendship norms in islam about females ?
Answer:Friendship with her is not permissible. Because in such friendship man is not immune from sin. (But that's why we want to be friends! Sin! Thats what boys and girls do you moron!)


Question:If my wife wants me to masturbate in front of her, is it then allowed?
Answer:You are not allowed to do it with hand, but your wife is. (If you say so)

Question:I know a virgin girl… can I do Mut`ah [Temporary Marriage] with her. By the way, she told me that her father will not mind that she has a boyfriend… so… she told me that her father accept that she has a boyfriend… can I do the Mut`ah with her?
Answer:Any relationship with girl with out legal marriage contract is haram and impermissible, while Mut`ah is permissible provided her guardian’s permission like her father or her grandfather and friendship between two sexes is not permissible. (Is she over 9 years old Abdul?)

Question:Is it permissible to talk to a non-Mahram girl with the intention for seeking consent to marry her in future?
Answer:Due to probably committing sins is not permissible. (Better not propose or you'll go to hell!)

Question:Can she take medicines, which would help her in conceiving?
Answer:It is permissible if doctor diagnoses. (Duhh)

Question: Whether men and woman are allowed to work together in the same organization? Answer: This is not permissible. (ok, all you women - report to the office for your pink slips! Sorry, did I say slips? I meant paper God, really, honest Allah I did!)

Question:which age is the best for a woman to get children ?
Answer:No age, in particular, has been fixed for child birth. (Over 9 years I hope!)

Question:Can I buy a second hand American car?
Answer:No prohibition order has been issued by His Eminence. (Ford loves you guys!)

Question:If a dog falls into a well and was brought out alive, will the well be pure for ablution? Answer:It is allowed. (Ok, but what if he died?)